adoption

The Neediest Child

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

AE8F563D-6408-475A-9186-63ABB3FC5C20

 

I love all my children. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep them safe. I enjoy them – watching them learn and grow and adventuring with them. It’s so cool to see how far each one of them have come. How unique each child is and how together we create this family.

There is a child in my pack that pushes my every button. It seems like every minute he’s doing something to get negative attention. It’s non stop and some days I feel like I’m about to lose my ever-loving mind. His voice reaches an octave that makes me want to chew on glass and run with scissors. He will wake up at 3am to go potty and then will decide to wake the entire house up and have a party. He won’t follow simple directions. He makes unsafe choices that make it hard to trust him. When he pees all over the toilet and bathroom floor, when he’s clumsy and breaks something of mine, when he lets the shower curtain drip water all over my bathroom floor, when he leaves the car door open all night and the batter dies, when when when… over and over and over again – I feel like he’s punishing me. I know it’s not rational. It’s trauma. The scars of severe neglect. I’m struggling. And so is he. At school he has started this thing where he’ll retaliate against his teacher by wetting his pants if he’s asked to wait a few minutes before using the restroom. He’s now no longer allowed to use the restroom alone because he violated another student’s privacy by crawling under the bathroom stall… the other student happened to be wiping at that moment and startled, got his feces on my son. It was quite literally a shit show. Once a star student, he’s refusing to do his work and disrupting his class.

It’s exhausting and I am having a hard time not feeling resentful this season. There is so much shame and sadness around this issue.

There’s no Idiot’s Guide to Fostering and Adoption. Or maybe there is and I didn’t read it? Lol. Nobody told me that there would be scenarios like this (or that laundry would be a 24/7 cycle). I don’t feel as bonded with this child. There’s a click that’s missing. He’s 7 and talks like a baby and wants to curl up and have me hold him like a baby. And I feel like such a bad mom because I’m not getting it or don’t have the emotional capacity to be what he needs in those moments. Some days I fantasize about him growing up as an only child in another woman’s home. I truly believe he should be an only child and would thrive. That he’s been so neglected, he worries that there isn’t enough love or attention or food or whatever for him. But there’s no chance of single childhood happening. If I ever recommended the thought to a social worker, we’d risk the powers that be coming in, taking the sibling group and them possibly bouncing around many homes again, separated like they were before. This child has huge trauma and people who know trauma and kids know that the kids who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. Knowing he went through a dozen homes before he walked through my door, in April of 2018, I can’t let him go through that again. I won’t let it happen.

I’ve been hearing from other foster and adoptive moms who have had similar experiences and it’s so encouraging to know I’m not alone. I’m not giving up on this kid. I truly believe these behaviors and issues will pass and things will get better for our family. More importantly, things will get better for him.

Brave

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

2D4883B7-A078-4BFE-8887-54AE1CBD9E0B

This is my favorite definition of bravery. “The ability to look fear and hurt in the face and say ‘move aside. You are in the way.’” 

I want to be brave. I want my kids to be brave. I want them to do courageous things even when they are scared and riddled with doubt and anxiety. My wish for them is that they always know they were put here on purpose and for a purpose. There are no accidents or mistakes here.

The times in my life during which I have experienced the most formidable amount of fear and anxiety have also been the times in which I’ve grown the most and transformed into a better version of myself. Needless to say, as we press forward toward adoption, fear and anxiety have had a backstage pass to my life these days. It’s overwhelming.

Taking on foster care was the bravest thing I’ve done. Adopting even braver. These kids have changed me. My purpose. My priorities. Everything.

I’m hearing all sorts of whispers of fear in my life right now. “This is only going to get harder.” “Once the adoption happens, all doors to support will be closed.” “You’re going to be legally responsible for their actions.” “Can you really do this?” “They are damaged – they will never be whole. You can’t fix this.” “If a recession hits, do you really think you’ll be able to financially provide the life they deserve?” “Say goodbye to your marriage… it’ll be splitsville by the time they are in middle school.” “You’ll be working for the rest of your life.”

Brave is my word this season. It has my focus. My attention. My mantra so to speak. A few of my current nightstand reads: Brave Enough by Cheryl Strayed, 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant, and I am Malala by Christina Lamb and Malala Yousafzai. If you’re looking for some inspiration, I recommend any of these (note: the book 100 Days to Brave is a devotional type read and may not be your cup of tea depending on beliefs. 👌🏼 No judgment here!). One thing I’m learning as I focus on “Brave” this season is that there are no regrets. That it’s okay – normal even – to feel scared. It’s not without fear and hurt. That it’s important to strive for progress, not perfection. It’s about letting go – of control, of the ideals around “what I thought my life would look like,” and embracing the uncomfortable unknown. Brave isn’t a feeling but a choice.

Let go and be brave my friends! ✌🏼

“Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous or honest.” – Maya Angelou

Respite

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

*Note – in no way is this post meant to criticize or put down any foster parents who use respite. Respite is important. Also in no way is this post meant to put down or pressure my family and friends for not watching our kids… because you’d have to be CRAZY! LOL

Let’s talk about respite care. Respite care is planned or emergency care of a a foster child or children. It’s a program designed to give the caregiver a temporary break. Perhaps they have a vacation or need to go out of town for a funeral, or they just need a weekend “off.” I don’t know all the details but I believe foster caregivers accumulate 2 respite nights per month cycle and can schedule respite a week or so in advance through their social worker.  The respite care providers are licensed foster parents who usually just do respite care (they decide how often and can say no to any requests). We’ve never used respite. I just can’t justify it. If I am called to love this child as my own, whether temporary or forever, then how can I be okay with dropping them off at a stranger’s house for a day or a weekend or a week? It doesn’t feel right. I wouldn’t be okay with that if it were my bio child. And since my kids all have anxiety and abandonment issues I feel as though a respite arrangement would create further episodes of anxiety and feeling abandoned. Foster parents don’t usually have personal relationships with the respite care providers. I would be okay with leaving my children (probably dividing them) with family or friends though. People I know, like and trust. I’m not trying to take an “anti respite” stance, rather explain to you where my thoughts are and why I’ve never been able to use respite services. There is no shame in using respite.

I 100% understand why foster parents seek respite. Burn out. Family death. The child in their care is pushing them too hard and they need a mental health day. Planned vacation before that child came into care. Work trip. ETC…

There have been many times when I’ve wished I had a better support system (friends and family, I love you dearly, please don’t feel bad about this. 6 kids is A LOT. I get it. Your house cleaner just came yesterday and you want to savor the next few days of freshness. You don’t like noise. You’ve already raised your kids. Your car isn’t big enough. You too are burning fuel at both ends. It’s life. You didn’t sign up for this, we did.) Many times. There have been times when I feel like I’ve been really clear to family members that “Hey, I need help here. I need a break. Take a kid. Take two. Take them all. PLEASE!” and it’s gone unanswered. Sometimes it hurts my feelings. Sometimes it makes me jealous and I keep score and feel resentful. I try so hard not to go there.

If I could rewind the clock to a year ago or a year and a half ago, I would have asked our social worker to help connect us with someone who does respite. You know, let us introduce our kids, take them to dinner, and help our kids build a connection with respite foster parents. That way we could have planned some downtime and felt comfortable asking for help when the burden has been heavy. We also never planned to adopt all 5. Our sibling set of 3 was only ever going to be temporary. And they had such huge emotional and behavioral issues that made it hard to even consider disrupting them. I remember thinking 3 months into our placement with these kids that an “end was in site.” We kept taking all these “last vacations” thinking our time with them was limited. I’d get rest once I knew they were safely reunified. LOL… my spa day never came!

There’s an isolating component to fostering that I don’t think anybody knows about until they actually foster. It’s very isolating. It’s a roller coaster. People see you differently. Aside from the major changes in priorities and routines, people tend to put us in the “Saint” category or the “Crazy” category. I want to encourage you, if you are fostering, to make a plan for finding down time and self care when things get hard. When you feel alone. Approach your friends and family, or connect with your social worker about respite. Do it before you are “too far down the line” and riddled by guilt and stress.

Thank you, Teachers!

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

(Originally Written May 26, 2019)

Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week so it feels fitting to talk about our experience as a foster family and how teachers and educators have supported us. My biggest advice for anybody with kids is to befriend your kids’ teachers. And the administrators. Pretty much anybody working at your kids school (yes, even the janitorial crew! They interact and love on and teach your kids too!). Even more important if you are fostering. These incredible people spend a little more than 6 hours a day with my kids and they aren’t just educators. They are also leaders and builders of community. They are stewards of compassion and have supernatural gifts of energy, patience, kindness and understanding. And they invest 100x more into the job than what they actually get out of it.

I am so grateful for our teachers. I am convinced they are powered by magic. They are incredible. They are true hero’s that have made a HUGE impact on our lives this year and we will forever be better for them.

Thank you for walking alongside us this year. Thank you for investing in our kids. Thank you for texting me from your personal cell at 8pm on countless weeknights or over the weekend to tell me about something you researched to help my child, or how my child did in your class today, or to check on me. YOU ARE A FRICKIN’ HERO. Thank you for not resenting my child who held up your Kindergarten class for 3.5 months straight, throwing chairs and destroying artwork, posters and projects. Thank you for not giving up on him. Thank you for not whispering in the halls behind our backs. Thank you for not throwing him away. Thank you for seeing the potential that broken, beautiful soul has and helping him on his journey to wholeness. Thank you for being such a huge part of his healing process. Thank you for running straight toward the problem, analyzing the catalysts for the behaviors, and creating a plan that has him achieving goals. Because of you he goes to school excited and for what seems like the first time in his life, he feels pride. His self esteem has skyrocketed. You get all the credit there. YOU ARE AMAZING. We can’t thank you enough.

Thank you to the high school teacher that helped my beautiful teen girl escape a toxic and dangerous situation. You were her lifeguard. You made her feel safe when she was in the throes of hell. You invested in her, connected with her, and held her hand every step into her foster journey. You made her feel loved. And you still do. Thank you for buying her a cell phone so that you could know she was safe before she became a foster kid. You knew she was a slave and you fostered a relationship that provided her with joy and peace in the midst of absolute hell. When nobody else was looking after her, you saw her and you were there. And you didn’t have to be. Thank you for driving 30 minutes out of your way every other Saturday to take her to tutoring and spend time with her. Because of you, she goes to school every single day – not just when someone lets her out, like a caged animal. Because of you she felt empowered to take control of her future. Because of you she has things to look forward to. And because of you we have her. We cannot thank you enough.

Thank you to our AMAZING preschool teachers who have loved 3 of our kids since they were each 3 years old. You taught them so much and remained consistent in their lives when so many shifts were happening. You helped them learn to share (we could probably use a retake on that lesson for sure) and about creating safe boundaries. You helped them feel safe and cared for.

Thank you to the Kindergarten teacher whose patience is supernatural. Thank you for showing me patience. For investing your time and love into my boy. For reaching out to me when you’ve had concerns about his behavior or health. Thank you for the sacrifice you make everyday when you put your own kids in daycare in order to love mine. Thank you for being the other woman in my boy’s life… that after a long weekend or a break, he cries for you and is excited to return to you on a Monday. Thank you for making him feel safe even when he’s not making safe decisions. Thank you for the many things you do to accommodate him and help him pursue his goals. We are so grateful.

Thank you to the school principal who calls me almost daily after school to give me updates on how the kids are and how we can work together to make them successful. Your kindness and investment in our kids is extraordinary. Thank you for taking care of your staff – knowing when they need a break, backing them on tough decisions, providing help. You are the perfect combination of seriousness and fun. Thank you for the resources, referrals, helpful feedback, problem solving, etc… Thank you for going to bat for our family with the district when we’ve needed an assessment. We are so grateful.

Thank you to the Behavioral Interventionists, School Psychologists, Para educators, 1:1s who wake up everyday and make a difference in the lives of our children. Thank you for your research and great ideas, game plans to help our kids be successful, happy and healthy. For testing our kids, for spending so much time alongside them, processing emotions and talking through problems. Thank you for showing up on the bad days, for being consistent, for reading Bobs Books you bought with your own money because you know my kid likes those books and he needs more phonics foundation. It means so much!

Thank you to the amazing administrators, assistants, school nurses, and janitorial crew. Thank you for embracing us. For calling us when our kids look a little under the weather. When you see a deviation from their normal behavior. Thank you for carving out special moments that have taught our kids to be fun and gracious, to work hard and be kind. Thank you for helping us raise accountable kids. We are so grateful!

Rescue

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment
This song came on the radio the other night when I was having one of those dramatic B rated movie moments. You know what I’m talking about. That kind of hands in the air, “what the heck do you want from me?!?”, I don’t think I can do this, yelling to the sky in the rain moment.
.
Brokenness. Anger. Fear. Doubt. Anxiety. Grief. I’ve got a lot of work to do on my heart this season.
.
Anyways this song came on the radio, almost as an answer at the end of my “moment,” and I swear it’s been looped on repeat in my car and everywhere ever since. I’m not sure what it means but it feels like hope. Words of a love so profound that it pierces the deepest, darkest, longest, hardest lengths to get to you. Purpose. Safety. Comfort. Though I believe in God, I’m not a “religious person.” There is something about these words and this song that reaches my very core in a spiritual way. In a way that says “Hey you, I see you struggling with some deep shit. YOU MATTER. I’ll go through this with you.”
.
Though the author of these lyrics probably wasn’t thinking of foster children while drafting this song, I feel as though these are the perfect words for our foster youth.
.
Lyrics:
You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen
.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
.
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
.
There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor
.
I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS
.
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue youI will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
.
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper, you have nothing left
.
I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you
I will never stop marching to reach you
In the middle of the hardest fight
It’s true, I will rescue you
.
Oh, I will rescue you

Redacted Files

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

IMG_3197.jpg

These two thumbdrives, given to me this afternoon (August 28, 2019) by our Adoption Social Worker, possess the entire histories of our 5 children. Detailed compilations of their trauma, how they came into foster care, vital records, birth records, CPS intake calls from strangers, maybe even family, legal records, case notes, notes from CASAs, etc… Their stories before they were mine. A formality in the process of adoption, this is the State’s way of giving an adoptive parent every piece of information they need to make an educated decision as to whether to complete the adoption of their child. It’s called the Redacted File or Disclosures. Redacted because a professional whose sole job for the State is to sit down and black out any names or addresses or contact information listed in the records, probably spent ten hours sifting through the lives of my babies, blacking out names of birth family, former foster parents and other placements, and any information that they deem necessary to keep private. (Yeah, let that sink in next time you want to complain about your job. Someone’s full time job is pretty much whiting out documents.)

Do I really need to look at these? I don’t think that there is anything we could discover about our kids that would change our minds about adopting them. We’ve seen all the behaviors. We’ve lived this life. We know we have an uphill journey. Adoption isn’t a cure for our kids’ past trauma, for the neglect or abuse or exposure to drugs in utero.  We know that the clock is ticking for two of our kiddos – that therapy and medical interventions need to happen NOW and be consistent so that they don’t repeat the cycle ahead of them. What could we possibly discover that we don’t already know about our kids. We love them so so much!!

Aren’t you afraid your kids will end up like their birth parents? I’ll admit, and I’m ashamed to say this but… YES. I am. What if I invest my whole heart and life and every resource I have into giving them a good life and they choose to follow their birth parents’ footsteps. Heroine. Meth. Crime. Homelessness. Domestic Violence. The thing is, there is no guarantee. Drug addiction doesn’t discriminate, white picket fence or not. Although some of the trauma and experiences my kids have had to walk through may predispose them to certain certain struggles, there is hope. And a future (Jer 29:11). I only have ten more years until my  “first born” is an adult. I can’t have strings attached like I’ll only love you if you don’t struggle with drug addiction, suicidal ideation, and depression. 

Will reading the files on these thumbdrives help me understand my children better? Should these thumbdrives be saved for when our kids are adults and have questions? There are so many thoughts.

I feel reluctant to open these files.

Like most decisions made in our household, Mauricio and I will sit down together tonight and discuss the pros and cons to opening these thumb drives. And then we’ll do it together. Knowing how broken our system is, I’m expecting there to be a lot of heart breaking details on these drives – handfuls of foster homes, CPS intakes, police reports, children returned to situations of neglect and abuse, concerning behaviors, emails between the Department, etc… It will break us. I know it will. We don’t need the beginning of their story to change the ending. But we’d do anything to give them a redo and be able to take away the challenges they’ve faced and will continue to face as they grow older.

 

Adoption Home Study … Approved!

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

578348F2-B2F9-4F6D-958C-DB056B26EAF6

Today we had the adoption home study. A home study is a written record of one’s life and ultimately qualifies them to either adopt or foster a child. In 2017 we completed a home study in order to become licensed foster parents and today’s home study was conducted for the purpose of adopting our five incredible kids. Home studies are invasive –  lots of questions, some require no thought and some require quite a bit of energy to answer (“How was your childhood?” “How is your support system?” “Have you ever been a victim of domestic violence?” “Have you ever been sexually or physically abused?” “How were you disciplined as a child?” “What is your culture?” “What is your emergency evacuation plan?” “Where does everybody sleep?” “If something happens to you or your spouse, who will help with the kids?” “What is your plan for X situation?” “Tell me how you run your home.” “How did you meet your spouse?” “How do you support each other in the home?” “Do you want to have any biological children?” Etc…). The first time around, in 2017, the personal interviews took hours. Like 2.5 hours of conversation. I remember feeling so cranky and tired afterward. I think I actually asked our licensor for a break.

This time around the entire home study took about 4 hours. Mauricio, I and all of our kids were interviewed individually by the licensor. The licensor inspected the house, walked around outside, made sure all of our meds (Ibuprofen, kids’ prescriptions, cough drops, vapor rub, tums…. everything of that sort) were locked up. She made sure we had a fire extinguisher and fire escape ladders for the top two stories (side note – my next house needs to be a rambler. I hate heights. And stairs. And mostly heights. God forbid I have to choose between climbing down a cheapie aluminum ladder from the third story of my house or dying of smoke inhalation. I can’t even get the holiday decorations down from the garage attic. Funny story – In my early twenties my first apartment was one of those super trendy tiny, less than 300 square foot lofts, where the kitchen and bathroom share a sink and maybe 4 people can fit in the apartment … if they all stand.  I spent many a night sleeping on a bean bag chair at the base of the loft ladder, scared I’d accidentally roll off the bed to my death. I only lasted 2.5 months at the “high efficiency studio.”). Anyways, today’s home study went really well. There were no issues and at the end we were both hugged, given the approval, and told by the licensor that she wishes the State “could clone you and your home.”

Our kids did great and they were really excited to know we are one step closer to adoption. After the licensor left the kids asked if they could get or make a cake to celebrate. Seeing as I’m not one to ever turn down cake and it was too late to bake anything, we obliged and took the kids to the store to pick out a cake. They asked for candles and we sang “Happy Adoption Home Study Approval” to them in the tune of “Happy Birthday.” It was hilarious. So much joy. We are blessed.

Now we wait for our social worker to let us know the next steps, and we will be contacting a lawyer to help us navigate the legalities of adopting five kids this year… stay tuned!

All Rise for the Good of the Children

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

all rise for the good of the children

The goal for foster care is always family reunification. There are barriers preventing a child from living with their parent – drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, mental health, illness, child endangerment, death, prison, abandonment, etc… The child is placed with a foster family with the hope that their birth parent will get treatment, complete their sentence, parenting classes, counseling or whatever listed steps they are required to complete in order to regain custody of their child. When the State has exhausted proper channels for pursuing reunification (they usually give the parent a couple of years or more to get it together), then alternatives like adoption become the goal. This is how we became adoptive placement for our 5 kids.

“ALL RISE For the Good of the Children takes you inside the courtroom of an unconventional judge in East Texas who takes a trust-based, trauma-informed approach to healing broken families in the child welfare system. Two families share how their lives were transformed through the support and intervention offered by Judge Carole Clark and her team of lawyers, mental health experts and child advocates.”

Click HERE to watch the documentary (it’s free and really, really good!).

 

Trauma is _____________.

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

 

38B42007-C96A-45CF-841D-FB1071B194E3

Trauma is a kiddo melting down while at the happiest place on earth. Shriveled up in a ball, body shaking, crying so hard it hurts his head, burns his throat, and makes him nauseous. Trauma is the scariest thoughts or feelings at the most inconvenient of times. It looks like a foster kiddo peeing his pants in fear at the sight of a police officer because that police officer reminds him of that one time his dad beat his mom, almost to death, and as a result, he lives with strangers. It’s having to immediately pull the car off the freeway because the siren of a passing ambulance triggered unbelievable anxiety and fear for the 7 year old that moments before was playing legos in peace. Trauma is the child that stands over my bed at 3am, making sure I haven’t left him. Trauma is that child that asks me hundreds of times all throughout the day if we have enough food. “What’s for breakfast?” “What if I want more” “Will there be milk?” “Will we have snacks?” “What kind of snacks?” “What’s for lunch?” “Mom, did we have dinner? I can’t remember!!!” Trauma is the child that’s scared to leave my arms at school because she doesn’t know if she’ll ever see me again. Trauma is a child calling me “Mom” after only knowing me for hours. It’s a child begging me to stay forever, after less than a week in my home. Trauma is the girl that screams all throughout the night, haunted in her sleep by god knows what and we hold her and rub her back and we pray for the nightmares to end. God, why won’t they end? 😫 Trauma is a little girl living with strangers because her parents sold her to pay for basic things that you and I take for granted. It’s ordering a seatbelt cutter off of Amazon, hoping it arrives the same day, while holding a precious young teen who is experiencing suicidal ideation because their world feels too heavy for them. Trauma is mean and ugly and raw. It rocks its victims to their core, taking their breath away, stealing their feelings of safety, security, warmth and love. It’s a kindergartener throwing chairs at his teacher, ripping posters and artwork off the walls of the classroom, destroying everything he can because he’s angry… his emotions are too big for him and he doesn’t know where these feelings are coming from or how to deal with them. It is that child that pushes me so far to see how I’ll respond because everyone before now dumped him off at the social worker’s office when things got hard. Trauma is the child that arrives at my house in the middle of the night, reeking of cigarettes and urine. “Hi, my name is ____________.  The kids call me ___________ or ___________. Are you hungry? Here’s your bed, here’s the bathroom, here’s your jammies, this bear is yours. Do you want a hug? Can I rub your back?” It’s a child acting out on a family vacation because in his last placement, he was moved again to another strange family’s house immediately following a family vacation…just when he was starting to feel at home. It is that child that hoards food so bad you find a stash of fermented shelf unstable food under their bed along with ants. It’s is trying to breath through your mouth and act as nonjudgemental as possible while you clean up a child that made themselves vomit. It is crying into your pillow for one minute after bathing a child that responded with such terror and horror at the sight of a shower / bath. As if they were in severe danger. It is hearing a child say they’ve never had a bed before. It’s is muttering “efff it” and giving the kids their favorite cereal for dinner because they’ve had a shit day… and you did too… and you’re not about to make them eat another one of your “healthy” paleo experiments… and besides, you didn’t have time to pick up groceries on your designated shopping day because the school called 6 times and you had to go deal with a kid getting expelled from school, and work sucked and “did I pay those bills yet?” and the house doesn’t meet your cleanliness standards, there are 12 loads of laundry that need to be done, 4 beds that need to be made because the kids had accidents, and you are tired and angry and empty and wondering “why am I doing this? I miss my care free life. And traveling. And reading novels in a nice quiet bath.” It is watching a child flinch because even though you were only redirecting their negative behavior, they were expecting you to hurt them physically… because that’s what they are accustomed to. It is checking your teen girl’s tablet to make sure she’s not at risk for trafficking. Checking her wrists and legs to make sure she’s not using her shaving razor to cut. It is stripping a baby down after a visit with their birth family to check for marks on their body, praying to god there are no burn marks, bruises or signs of abuse from the 3 hour unsupervised visit they returned from. Trauma is relentless; unpredictable emotions, uncontrollable feelings, flashbacks, distractions, grogginess. It is a random recipe of self preservation, hyper-vigilance and dissociation. It is deep emotional scars that affect learning, relationships and growth. Trauma is trying to ground yourself in the midst of a panic attack that creates such intense physiological symptoms, that you think you are dying. But you’re not. And you know it; you just have to push through it. Keep going.
Trauma is processing events with a professional and seeking guidance so as not to trigger our kiddos.

Trauma is an invisible wound. Purveyor of billions of dollars in research, services, billable hours. It is an overwhelming amount of booze and pills and habits that would break your mother’s heart. It is shame and lust. It is begging for mercy. It is trying to keep it all together. It is the kid that’s hardest to love and bond with. It fuels burnout, making this foster life so difficult.

I was told by one of my kids’ therapists this week, “You should consider seeing a therapist just for yourself. The things you witness and experience as a caregiver for kids with trauma may be creating your own trauma.” I laughed because realistically where am I going to find that kind of time in my INSANE (ly wonderful life) and because there is some truth to what she’s saying. BUT instead, I bought a subscription to Sirius XM Satellite Radio so I can listen to the comedy station non stop in my car…. because laughing is cheaper than therapy. And it’s fun. And because trauma is sometimes avoidant coping. We laugh, we smile, we tell the world everything is fine … even when it’s not. Even when we are choking up water from the sea we are drowning in. It’s okay.

Trauma has made my kids resilient. They bounce back. They are tough as hell. They are brave and funny little warriors who understand far more pain than the average human being. They crack jokes at moments that would bring another to their knees. But not my kids.

Resilience.

 

Legally FREE!

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

6D56DAA0-EC6B-47BB-9D2A-342CF73FD3C7.jpeg

“A child born to another woman calls me Mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” – Jody Landers

My sweet J’s,

Today is the day you became legally free. What this means is that at trial today, and after years of hard work and with the help of handfuls of professionals, a judge terminated rights of your birth parents. It’s a tremendously sad thing – to be legally free – a ward or orphan of the state – but it’s also equally happy in our case because it means we are another step closer to adoption where we will earn the privilege of being your Mom and Dad FOREVER!

Being legally free also signifies that we will have a closed adoption. We get to close the  door on a past in which put your safety and wellbeing in jeopardy, and ensure that’s never compromised. We will get to make ALL the decisions for you, once you’re adopted. We are so extremely grateful for your birth parents, we’ll continue to pray for them to be well, and we will be open to answering any questions you have when they arise. And if later down the road they are sober and safe, and you want to meet them, we are open to that. In the meantime we will continue to talk with the highest regard for them for they unknowingly gave us our greatest blessings yet – YOU!

Today we focused on the good. And we celebrated with “legally free” cake. You requested we sing the “Happy Birthday” song to you so that you could blow out the candles together.

Big J was especially excited to hear about becoming legally free because he can’t wait until the day adoption closes and some of our rules change.  (Like mandatory life jacket in a foot of water or in the hot tub when Mom and Dad are sitting next to you.) “I’m FREE,” he squealed with such delight! “I’m FREE!”

We dream of a future for you that’s so bright. Dream big, my loves!!

The next steps for us will be to wait for our newly assigned Adoption Social Worker to meet with us for monthly Health & Safety Checks (the torch gets passed from our current Social Worker) & to retain an attorney to guide us through the adoption, and we hope to be done in the next 6 months. See you at the courthouse!

❤