*Note – in no way is this post meant to criticize or put down any foster parents who use respite. Respite is important. Also in no way is this post meant to put down or pressure my family and friends for not watching our kids… because you’d have to be CRAZY! LOL

Let’s talk about respite care. Respite care is planned or emergency care of a a foster child or children. It’s a program designed to give the caregiver a temporary break. Perhaps they have a vacation or need to go out of town for a funeral, or they just need a weekend “off.” I don’t know all the details but I believe foster caregivers accumulate 2 respite nights per month cycle and can schedule respite a week or so in advance through their social worker.  The respite care providers are licensed foster parents who usually just do respite care (they decide how often and can say no to any requests). We’ve never used respite. I just can’t justify it. If I am called to love this child as my own, whether temporary or forever, then how can I be okay with dropping them off at a stranger’s house for a day or a weekend or a week? It doesn’t feel right. I wouldn’t be okay with that if it were my bio child. And since my kids all have anxiety and abandonment issues I feel as though a respite arrangement would create further episodes of anxiety and feeling abandoned. Foster parents don’t usually have personal relationships with the respite care providers. I would be okay with leaving my children (probably dividing them) with family or friends though. People I know, like and trust. I’m not trying to take an “anti respite” stance, rather explain to you where my thoughts are and why I’ve never been able to use respite services. There is no shame in using respite.

I 100% understand why foster parents seek respite. Burn out. Family death. The child in their care is pushing them too hard and they need a mental health day. Planned vacation before that child came into care. Work trip. ETC…

There have been many times when I’ve wished I had a better support system (friends and family, I love you dearly, please don’t feel bad about this. 6 kids is A LOT. I get it. Your house cleaner just came yesterday and you want to savor the next few days of freshness. You don’t like noise. You’ve already raised your kids. Your car isn’t big enough. You too are burning fuel at both ends. It’s life. You didn’t sign up for this, we did.) Many times. There have been times when I feel like I’ve been really clear to family members that “Hey, I need help here. I need a break. Take a kid. Take two. Take them all. PLEASE!” and it’s gone unanswered. Sometimes it hurts my feelings. Sometimes it makes me jealous and I keep score and feel resentful. I try so hard not to go there.

If I could rewind the clock to a year ago or a year and a half ago, I would have asked our social worker to help connect us with someone who does respite. You know, let us introduce our kids, take them to dinner, and help our kids build a connection with respite foster parents. That way we could have planned some downtime and felt comfortable asking for help when the burden has been heavy. We also never planned to adopt all 5. Our sibling set of 3 was only ever going to be temporary. And they had such huge emotional and behavioral issues that made it hard to even consider disrupting them. I remember thinking 3 months into our placement with these kids that an “end was in site.” We kept taking all these “last vacations” thinking our time with them was limited. I’d get rest once I knew they were safely reunified. LOL… my spa day never came!

There’s an isolating component to fostering that I don’t think anybody knows about until they actually foster. It’s very isolating. It’s a roller coaster. People see you differently. Aside from the major changes in priorities and routines, people tend to put us in the “Saint” category or the “Crazy” category. I want to encourage you, if you are fostering, to make a plan for finding down time and self care when things get hard. When you feel alone. Approach your friends and family, or connect with your social worker about respite. Do it before you are “too far down the line” and riddled by guilt and stress.