Thankful

Thank you, Teachers!

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(Originally Written May 26, 2019)

Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week so it feels fitting to talk about our experience as a foster family and how teachers and educators have supported us. My biggest advice for anybody with kids is to befriend your kids’ teachers. And the administrators. Pretty much anybody working at your kids school (yes, even the janitorial crew! They interact and love on and teach your kids too!). Even more important if you are fostering. These incredible people spend a little more than 6 hours a day with my kids and they aren’t just educators. They are also leaders and builders of community. They are stewards of compassion and have supernatural gifts of energy, patience, kindness and understanding. And they invest 100x more into the job than what they actually get out of it.

I am so grateful for our teachers. I am convinced they are powered by magic. They are incredible. They are true hero’s that have made a HUGE impact on our lives this year and we will forever be better for them.

Thank you for walking alongside us this year. Thank you for investing in our kids. Thank you for texting me from your personal cell at 8pm on countless weeknights or over the weekend to tell me about something you researched to help my child, or how my child did in your class today, or to check on me. YOU ARE A FRICKIN’ HERO. Thank you for not resenting my child who held up your Kindergarten class for 3.5 months straight, throwing chairs and destroying artwork, posters and projects. Thank you for not giving up on him. Thank you for not whispering in the halls behind our backs. Thank you for not throwing him away. Thank you for seeing the potential that broken, beautiful soul has and helping him on his journey to wholeness. Thank you for being such a huge part of his healing process. Thank you for running straight toward the problem, analyzing the catalysts for the behaviors, and creating a plan that has him achieving goals. Because of you he goes to school excited and for what seems like the first time in his life, he feels pride. His self esteem has skyrocketed. You get all the credit there. YOU ARE AMAZING. We can’t thank you enough.

Thank you to the high school teacher that helped my beautiful teen girl escape a toxic and dangerous situation. You were her lifeguard. You made her feel safe when she was in the throes of hell. You invested in her, connected with her, and held her hand every step into her foster journey. You made her feel loved. And you still do. Thank you for buying her a cell phone so that you could know she was safe before she became a foster kid. You knew she was a slave and you fostered a relationship that provided her with joy and peace in the midst of absolute hell. When nobody else was looking after her, you saw her and you were there. And you didn’t have to be. Thank you for driving 30 minutes out of your way every other Saturday to take her to tutoring and spend time with her. Because of you, she goes to school every single day – not just when someone lets her out, like a caged animal. Because of you she felt empowered to take control of her future. Because of you she has things to look forward to. And because of you we have her. We cannot thank you enough.

Thank you to our AMAZING preschool teachers who have loved 3 of our kids since they were each 3 years old. You taught them so much and remained consistent in their lives when so many shifts were happening. You helped them learn to share (we could probably use a retake on that lesson for sure) and about creating safe boundaries. You helped them feel safe and cared for.

Thank you to the Kindergarten teacher whose patience is supernatural. Thank you for showing me patience. For investing your time and love into my boy. For reaching out to me when you’ve had concerns about his behavior or health. Thank you for the sacrifice you make everyday when you put your own kids in daycare in order to love mine. Thank you for being the other woman in my boy’s life… that after a long weekend or a break, he cries for you and is excited to return to you on a Monday. Thank you for making him feel safe even when he’s not making safe decisions. Thank you for the many things you do to accommodate him and help him pursue his goals. We are so grateful.

Thank you to the school principal who calls me almost daily after school to give me updates on how the kids are and how we can work together to make them successful. Your kindness and investment in our kids is extraordinary. Thank you for taking care of your staff – knowing when they need a break, backing them on tough decisions, providing help. You are the perfect combination of seriousness and fun. Thank you for the resources, referrals, helpful feedback, problem solving, etc… Thank you for going to bat for our family with the district when we’ve needed an assessment. We are so grateful.

Thank you to the Behavioral Interventionists, School Psychologists, Para educators, 1:1s who wake up everyday and make a difference in the lives of our children. Thank you for your research and great ideas, game plans to help our kids be successful, happy and healthy. For testing our kids, for spending so much time alongside them, processing emotions and talking through problems. Thank you for showing up on the bad days, for being consistent, for reading Bobs Books you bought with your own money because you know my kid likes those books and he needs more phonics foundation. It means so much!

Thank you to the amazing administrators, assistants, school nurses, and janitorial crew. Thank you for embracing us. For calling us when our kids look a little under the weather. When you see a deviation from their normal behavior. Thank you for carving out special moments that have taught our kids to be fun and gracious, to work hard and be kind. Thank you for helping us raise accountable kids. We are so grateful!

Struggling to Bond with a Child Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person

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If you are a foster parent and you find it hard to bond with a foster child in your care, you are not a bad person. It is not wrong to struggle and face obstacles. What is wrong is treating a child differently than others in your care, giving them less affection or opportunities because of how hard they are to bond with. Kids with trauma are hard. Some of these kids have experienced so much neglect or abuse that they haven’t learned something that would otherwise be common sense for the average child their age. That’s why they are with you. So it’s okay if you find yourself feeling completely worn out by that child’s emotional immaturity or because they are 6 years old and can’t dress themselves or they obsess about food or they have a hard time paying attention or because teaching them about hygiene and getting them to take frequent showers feels like an enormous burden. Just remember that it’s not their fault and that they aren’t intentionally trying to make things hard for you. Try to avoid thinking in terms of “behaving badly” but recognize this as they are having a hard time. And don’t let your frustration show. How blessed are we, that we get to love on and help a child become more independent?!? That is the goal… to help a child become as independent as possible, knowing they might be returned to a situation of neglect.

As a foster parent I have been so blessed to bond with and genuinely love every child that has come into my care. My husband feels very much the same. That’s not to say we haven’t struggled or suffered. Because we have. We’ve had kids come into our home that have had us saying (more like whispering in the privacy of our bedroom) “what were we thinking?” “Can we really do this?” “Why wouldn’t the placement desk inform us of this issue?”

Remember YOU are amazing! YOU provide safety and hope. YOU have opened your heart and your home to a child in need. YOU can do hard things! YOU can love a difficult child. Keep up the hard work, YOU! YOU are creating change. ❤️

 

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving

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On Tuesday I played hooky with my girl. We went the therapy, then shopping for clothes, lunch with my mom & then painting pottery at a local studio near downtown Seattle. We needed this date; I needed it every bit as much as she did. I want to be intentional about giving her my undivided attention as often as possible and being as positive and kind and encouraging. Regretfully this past month I have noticed my interactions have been somewhat negative – “you spend too much time on social media,” “if you want to go to college, you need better grades,” “The photos you are posting on social media and in messages to friends are a little too provocative,” “please stop leaving your nail polish out where the younger kids can get into it,” “I don’t leave these cups in the sink because they are fragile and special…”

I can do better. She deserves better.

Therapy was brutal. And I’ll spare the details but to summarize things, my sweet girl is having a hard season of life. And she needs an outlet and so much love and kindness and to know that it’s okay to feel sad or angry or depressed or anxious… that is there is absolutely nothing wrong with her. That she’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.

This thanksgiving I am grateful that she landed in our home. That she’s a part of our family. I am grateful for her grace, kindness, warmth and eagerness to participate in our family. I am grateful for her laughter and love of dancing. She brings so much joy and fun into our home. I am grateful that she chose to keep fighting for herself when life became unbearably difficult for her. That when suicide was an option considered, she decided “this is not how my story will end…”