help

The Neediest Child

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

AE8F563D-6408-475A-9186-63ABB3FC5C20

 

I love all my children. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to keep them safe. I enjoy them – watching them learn and grow and adventuring with them. It’s so cool to see how far each one of them have come. How unique each child is and how together we create this family.

There is a child in my pack that pushes my every button. It seems like every minute he’s doing something to get negative attention. It’s non stop and some days I feel like I’m about to lose my ever-loving mind. His voice reaches an octave that makes me want to chew on glass and run with scissors. He will wake up at 3am to go potty and then will decide to wake the entire house up and have a party. He won’t follow simple directions. He makes unsafe choices that make it hard to trust him. When he pees all over the toilet and bathroom floor, when he’s clumsy and breaks something of mine, when he lets the shower curtain drip water all over my bathroom floor, when he leaves the car door open all night and the batter dies, when when when… over and over and over again – I feel like he’s punishing me. I know it’s not rational. It’s trauma. The scars of severe neglect. I’m struggling. And so is he. At school he has started this thing where he’ll retaliate against his teacher by wetting his pants if he’s asked to wait a few minutes before using the restroom. He’s now no longer allowed to use the restroom alone because he violated another student’s privacy by crawling under the bathroom stall… the other student happened to be wiping at that moment and startled, got his feces on my son. It was quite literally a shit show. Once a star student, he’s refusing to do his work and disrupting his class.

It’s exhausting and I am having a hard time not feeling resentful this season. There is so much shame and sadness around this issue.

There’s no Idiot’s Guide to Fostering and Adoption. Or maybe there is and I didn’t read it? Lol. Nobody told me that there would be scenarios like this (or that laundry would be a 24/7 cycle). I don’t feel as bonded with this child. There’s a click that’s missing. He’s 7 and talks like a baby and wants to curl up and have me hold him like a baby. And I feel like such a bad mom because I’m not getting it or don’t have the emotional capacity to be what he needs in those moments. Some days I fantasize about him growing up as an only child in another woman’s home. I truly believe he should be an only child and would thrive. That he’s been so neglected, he worries that there isn’t enough love or attention or food or whatever for him. But there’s no chance of single childhood happening. If I ever recommended the thought to a social worker, we’d risk the powers that be coming in, taking the sibling group and them possibly bouncing around many homes again, separated like they were before. This child has huge trauma and people who know trauma and kids know that the kids who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. Knowing he went through a dozen homes before he walked through my door, in April of 2018, I can’t let him go through that again. I won’t let it happen.

I’ve been hearing from other foster and adoptive moms who have had similar experiences and it’s so encouraging to know I’m not alone. I’m not giving up on this kid. I truly believe these behaviors and issues will pass and things will get better for our family. More importantly, things will get better for him.

The System is Broken

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

I feel guilty complaining about the heaviness of our burden here. Because overall we are really really blessed. We have 5 amazing kids who we are adopting this year.

There is a mama in my foster family support group who is living through every foster parent’s nightmare. The two young kids she has been raising for almost three years now are going back to a bio parent. The issue isn’t that they are being reunified, the issue here is that there are serious questions about safety and stability – there’s no foundation for her. Bio mom is barely sober, has no job, has a history of using drugs with her other children (who she gave up to foster care over a decade ago), has made no progress with mental health goals, and the list goes on. She got a housing voucher just a couple of weeks ago and it feels like the Department is putting the cart before the horse. I don’t understand what the powers that be are thinking here. I believe these children belong with their bio mom, but not yet. She needs time. They need time. The transition needs more support than a free housing voucher and a monthly health and safety visit. These children deserve better.

Another mama in my foster family support group has been caring for her fifteen year old granddaughter. A victim of trafficking. This woman tracked down her granddaughter, who had been injected with meth from a group of men that had been abusing her. When the grandmother pursued putting her granddaughter in rehab, the powers that be moved her to a friend’s home where there’s no accountability and high risk for illicit activities and drugs.

Yet another mama in my foster family support group who has been raising twin girls since they were babies 3 years ago, is losing her girls… again. Their parents went to jail for murdering their sibling. About 18 months ago the powers that be tried placing these girls with a bio relative who then failed their background check. The girls came back to this foster mama. Now the powers that be want to try moving them back to this same relative they were once removed from for safety reasons. The reason for their uprooting? Their skin color (or native american heritage).

Another foster mama poured out her heart at a recent meeting. A boy she had been raising for almost 3.5 years was reunified with his bio mother before his bio mother was actually ready to care for him. The week before and in a drug binge, this bio mom left her car on the side of the road, with her 6 year old son inside, gave him her cell phone and had him call this foster mom to come find him. He couldn’t tell her where he was so at almost 11pm, she begged him to get out of the abandoned car, walk to a corner and spell out the words on the signs. For the last year he has spent every weekend at this foster mama’s house… because that’s where he’s safe. That’s where there is food. That’s where someone is caring for him. I know this boy. My sons have gone to pre-school with him.

And another foster mama in my network is being banned from taking any more foster placements. Because she was a whistleblower. She spoke out to the media about her last foster daughter who was moved to an alleged bio father out of state, who turned out to not even be this girl’s real father, and he beat this precious baby so badly that she is blind, suffers constant seizures, and will never be the normal, happy child that she was before the move. This child should have never been moved. This man had a violent crime and history of assault in his background.

Are you mad yet? You should be. I could tell you at least twelve more stories like these. People I know. Kids I’ve met. A system broken in more ways than I can count. Children are slipping through the cracks every day. EVERY DAMN DAY! When is enough enough? When are we going to foster real change? When are we as a community going to commit to the hard work and invest in the future of these kids instead of letting them fall into the cycle of abuse, neglect, drugs, government assistance, prison, mental health problems, homelessness, etc…?

 

Respite

/ Fostering.Live / Leave a comment

*Note – in no way is this post meant to criticize or put down any foster parents who use respite. Respite is important. Also in no way is this post meant to put down or pressure my family and friends for not watching our kids… because you’d have to be CRAZY! LOL

Let’s talk about respite care. Respite care is planned or emergency care of a a foster child or children. It’s a program designed to give the caregiver a temporary break. Perhaps they have a vacation or need to go out of town for a funeral, or they just need a weekend “off.” I don’t know all the details but I believe foster caregivers accumulate 2 respite nights per month cycle and can schedule respite a week or so in advance through their social worker.  The respite care providers are licensed foster parents who usually just do respite care (they decide how often and can say no to any requests). We’ve never used respite. I just can’t justify it. If I am called to love this child as my own, whether temporary or forever, then how can I be okay with dropping them off at a stranger’s house for a day or a weekend or a week? It doesn’t feel right. I wouldn’t be okay with that if it were my bio child. And since my kids all have anxiety and abandonment issues I feel as though a respite arrangement would create further episodes of anxiety and feeling abandoned. Foster parents don’t usually have personal relationships with the respite care providers. I would be okay with leaving my children (probably dividing them) with family or friends though. People I know, like and trust. I’m not trying to take an “anti respite” stance, rather explain to you where my thoughts are and why I’ve never been able to use respite services. There is no shame in using respite.

I 100% understand why foster parents seek respite. Burn out. Family death. The child in their care is pushing them too hard and they need a mental health day. Planned vacation before that child came into care. Work trip. ETC…

There have been many times when I’ve wished I had a better support system (friends and family, I love you dearly, please don’t feel bad about this. 6 kids is A LOT. I get it. Your house cleaner just came yesterday and you want to savor the next few days of freshness. You don’t like noise. You’ve already raised your kids. Your car isn’t big enough. You too are burning fuel at both ends. It’s life. You didn’t sign up for this, we did.) Many times. There have been times when I feel like I’ve been really clear to family members that “Hey, I need help here. I need a break. Take a kid. Take two. Take them all. PLEASE!” and it’s gone unanswered. Sometimes it hurts my feelings. Sometimes it makes me jealous and I keep score and feel resentful. I try so hard not to go there.

If I could rewind the clock to a year ago or a year and a half ago, I would have asked our social worker to help connect us with someone who does respite. You know, let us introduce our kids, take them to dinner, and help our kids build a connection with respite foster parents. That way we could have planned some downtime and felt comfortable asking for help when the burden has been heavy. We also never planned to adopt all 5. Our sibling set of 3 was only ever going to be temporary. And they had such huge emotional and behavioral issues that made it hard to even consider disrupting them. I remember thinking 3 months into our placement with these kids that an “end was in site.” We kept taking all these “last vacations” thinking our time with them was limited. I’d get rest once I knew they were safely reunified. LOL… my spa day never came!

There’s an isolating component to fostering that I don’t think anybody knows about until they actually foster. It’s very isolating. It’s a roller coaster. People see you differently. Aside from the major changes in priorities and routines, people tend to put us in the “Saint” category or the “Crazy” category. I want to encourage you, if you are fostering, to make a plan for finding down time and self care when things get hard. When you feel alone. Approach your friends and family, or connect with your social worker about respite. Do it before you are “too far down the line” and riddled by guilt and stress.